Incapable of being satisified.

Today I got my offer letter for my first permanent job since I resigned and went back to grad school for my Masters. I'm happy! I'm happy that my job search is over, for a while. The benefits are good, and they start on the 1st month after I start. Which in my case will be a week after I start. Yea!! It's closer to where I currently live, which will hopefully cut my gas consumption in half. Here's hoping and praying. But, and there's always a but right? Why does there have to be a but.... because I'm never satisfied.

Here's the but, I look at my salary and I'm not satisfied. Now my original offer was much lower than this current offer, and I turned it down because it really wasn't more than what I make at my contract job. They came back with a better offer, and I accepted. Because 1. I know I can live off that, and two it's a better job and closer. Salary wise, I expected to make a lot more with my master's. Alot. I'm not depressed about my salary, just not happy with it. I even caught myself trying to figure out my friends salary, and then I started counting their money. It was shameful and sad on my part. When I realized that, I immediately prayed for forgiveness and asked The Lord to allow me to be happy with what I will be making. I think I'm money hungry because I have plans and they will happen faster if I made more money.

Today though I thought I haven't always made the best decisions with money. I'm pretty good, and then I have my moments. I realized that God is not going to bless me with more money till I prove that I can actually do good with what I make now. I have to budget more, save more, and spend less. Lesson my frivolous spending, and start eating in more. I have a long way to go, but it's a commitment that I have, HAVE to make.

Happy?

Sometimes I think Happiness is an illusion. Today in what should have been a very happy day turned to more self doubt, pessimism. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have a job, one that pays, and one that I atleast know when it's going to end. But when I was sitting there going through the training I couldn't help but think "Is this my life?" Well yes it's my life. But it's not all I want my life to be.

I feel like my life has been stagnant for a long time. Even before I left for grad school I felt stuck. Part of it was me because I became complacent in my work and situation. So I went to grad school, completed my degree, and came home. When I graduated I felt like everyone, that I could take over the world. Until I got home and got stuck in what seemed like the never ending cycle of cover letters, applications, resumes, and rejection. Then the worst happened and I got complacent in joblessness. It sucked and I got depressed. Eventually I slowly began to crawl out of it, I found my motivation. Things turned around when I got a job offer, but I can't help but feeling like I'm going to be stuck in complacency again.

That's not what I want. That's not what I want out of life. It's not why I went to school. I've never been a glass half empty girl. I'm always the one motivating my friends, and anyone else who needs it. Why I can't seem to talk myself into that same motivation I don't know. I want to be happy.

Happy Days Ahead

Well I's got another job. Tomorrow I start a contract job working in back in broadcasting. I'm excited! I'm excited to be finally working again, to have a a purpose about my day, and to eventually be finally making money again. It's been a long depressing 7 mths since of looking for work, and finally I had something of substance. Not including my job at the blue box because that was 3 weeks. While I'm excited, I'm also smart. This job is contract, and my goal is to find a permanent and better paying job before this contract is up. So I'm still on the hunt but the things are looking up. FINALLY!

Update on Me

So I'm back. Family time was necessary, and we are slowly getting past everything. On a lighter note, I had a job interview with a very renowned jewelry company that I shall not name. But let's just say they give you a very distinct box with your purchases. I think the interview went well, so well in fact they called me back the next day for a second interview. That one I was a little more unsure about, but I did make it one piece. Now the job is only for the holiday season, but a job is a job, and bills don't pay themselves. They told me the work requires no days off, not to get sick, standing 6-8 hrs a day. So I expected to hear from them sooner rather than later. I got nothing, but that was ok bc I was dealing with family issues. Three weeks later they called and asked me to submit to a drug test to which I happily agreed. That whole experience requires a blog post of it's on. So now I'm waiting to hear about a start date, which hopefully comes sooner rather than later.

I think the Devil Handpicked me today for some Tomfollery

I had a horrible horrendous worst day of my life kind of day. It was one of those days where it's so bad all you can do is pray to God for forgiveness for whatever it was that gave you so much bad karma for one day.

Let's see I almost died today, literally. When the rescue worker came all I could do was break down and cry, and say I'm so scared. After that fiasco, I get to my job interview late, and as I'm preparing myself to walk in, I lock my purse in the car, with my keys, and my cellphone. At that point all I do was say F it and go into the interview. I was so frazzled and on edge that I gave the most semi ridiculous answers I ever heard of or told. It was like I heard myself telling these stories about my work experience and thinking

"Are you really saying this right now?"

"uh yea you are."

"well your already in it, so let's just see where it goes and what you come up with"

I didn't lie, but I'm pretty sure I mixed and matched work stories throughout my entire interview. She said it went well. But hey she was also looking at a girl with makeup on her shirt, thinking you want to work here?

So after a call to AAA for the 2nd time today, it will of course take them up to 90 mins to come and retrieve my keys and such. And because I had no cellphone I had to wait by the door for 80 mins till they showed up.

After all of that I had to go get this tire fixed that ran flat on me this morning only to open my trunk and realize that my tire is not flat, it's shredded. Great! Just Great! A freaking blowout! Now I have to buy a new tire. But nooooooo I don't have to buy one tire, I have to buy two because one of my back tires only has weeks to live before it blows out on me as well. Hey I barely survived the blowout this morning, (it was one of those life flash before your eyes type near death experiences.) So as I'm standing there listening to the prices, it took every thing I had not to break down right there in tire store. I did feel some tears come, but fortunately the sales guy had walked away for a moment.

So as I'm driving home in the rain in the middle of rush hour, I get a call for a 2nd interview tomorrow. Which normally would be great news, but lets face it I'm not the best mood. And of course I don't really have anything to wear to 2nd interview, because I wore my one good suit today, that I bought yesterday. And the job is only for a month. But I'm going to that interview, because that new suit and them new tires are not going to pay for themselves.