Happy?

Sometimes I think Happiness is an illusion. Today in what should have been a very happy day turned to more self doubt, pessimism. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have a job, one that pays, and one that I atleast know when it's going to end. But when I was sitting there going through the training I couldn't help but think "Is this my life?" Well yes it's my life. But it's not all I want my life to be.

I feel like my life has been stagnant for a long time. Even before I left for grad school I felt stuck. Part of it was me because I became complacent in my work and situation. So I went to grad school, completed my degree, and came home. When I graduated I felt like everyone, that I could take over the world. Until I got home and got stuck in what seemed like the never ending cycle of cover letters, applications, resumes, and rejection. Then the worst happened and I got complacent in joblessness. It sucked and I got depressed. Eventually I slowly began to crawl out of it, I found my motivation. Things turned around when I got a job offer, but I can't help but feeling like I'm going to be stuck in complacency again.

That's not what I want. That's not what I want out of life. It's not why I went to school. I've never been a glass half empty girl. I'm always the one motivating my friends, and anyone else who needs it. Why I can't seem to talk myself into that same motivation I don't know. I want to be happy.